As I grew a beard my wife said, "That beard looks ugly."
I replied, "I'm growing a beard to keep the girls away."
She laughed, "There aren't any girls around."
"There," I quipped, "it's working already."
A new employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there's something wrong with her password. "The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," she says.
"Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk technician explains, "so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password."
"Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me."
Just seen a burglar kicking his own door in.
I asked: “What are you doing?”
He said: “Working from home.”
My husband made me mad today so I poured some water in front of the washer.
He’s been in there for 2 hours trying to fix the washer.