Latest Jokes

An elderly couple went to a counselor as to settle a on going argument.

Counselor: OK, what's going on here!

Husband: My wife keeps tying strings on my finger while I sleep. She then insults me if I ask her about it.

Wife: Not true and I don't want to talk about it any longer.

Counselor: Communication is paramount, I'd like to see you two talk to each other and resolve this issue yourself. Come back in two weeks so I can check on your progress.

Husband: Fine but I'd better tie a string on my finger so I can remember it.

Wife: Doh!

If I like it, it's mine.

If I can take it away from you, it's mine.

If I had it a while ago, it's mine.

If I say it is mine, it's mine.

If I saw it first, it's mine.

If you're having fun with it, it's definitely mine.

If you lay it down, it's mine.

If it's broken, it's yours.

After the accident, I told the police officer I thought the driver of the other vehicle was drunk.

He told me the other vehicle was a cow.

Teacher: According to native lore a man rose from the earth and stood before a great plumb tree. Every time he tried to eat of the fruit a large wolf snarled said “Eat not the fruit or I shall bite you.” Does anyone know the meaning of this classic dilemma?

Little Johnny: Sometimes it’s ok to settle, prunes aren’t all that bad.