Why is Christmas like a day at the office?
Because, you do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
What's the difference between the Government & The Mafia?
Only one of them is organized.
One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one.
The man asks, ''How much is the yellow one?''
The assistant says, ''$2000.''
The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive.
The assistant explains, ''This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast.''
''What about the green one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.''
''What about the red one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''That one's $10,000.''
The man says, ''What does he do?''
The assistant says, ''I don't know, but the other two call him boss.''
A trainee was working in the produce section of a supermarket when a customer asked him for a half a head of lettuce. The employee went into the back and told the manager that some jerk wants a half a head of lettuce. Just as the trainee says this to his manager he sports the customer out of the corner of his eye standing right next to him.
He quickly says to the manager "and this gentleman would like the other half."