Yo momma is so fat, she sat on a rainbow and skittles popped out!
I said to my neighbor, "You'd better let your shutters down, because yesterday I saw you making love with your wife."
"Haha, you idiot," he replied. "I wasn't even home yesterday."
I recently had a stroke and while laying in the hospital bed the phone rang, it was the PGA. This very proper voice said, "Is this Mr Petty?" I mumbled a "Yes." The voice continues, "I have to tell you sir, YOUR HANDICAP HAS JUST GONE UP BY ONE STROKE!"
There was a sticker on a loaf of bread that said, 'baked fresh for over 50 years.'
So THAT'S how long it takes to bake fresh bread...