Best Jokes

My mother-in-law is coming...

I had to clear out half my closet so she could have a place to hang upside down and sleep.

In the public library, a man with his new library card questioned the pretty librarian.

“Do you mean to say,” he asked, “that with this card I may take out any book I want?”

“Yes,” she answered.

“And may I take out record albums, too?”

“Yes, you may.”

“May I take you out?” he ventured.

Drawing herself up to her full height, she replied, “The librarians, sir, are for reference only.”

What did one bank robber say to her partner when she managed to get them caught?

"Who ever said that crime doesn't pay must have worked with you!"

The little boy scurried into the mom & pop grocery store with a worried look on his face, handing the clerk a dollar bill.

"What’s this for, sonny?"

"Momma says all she wants is peas and quiet... do you have that?"