family jokes

My brother took going to jail badly.

He refused food, drinks, he spat on and swore at anybody who came near him, and started throwing things everywhere.

After that we never played Monopoly again.

Dad to his son: “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?!”

Son: “Go on, then.”

Dad growls: “NOOOOO, NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”

Son: “Dad, that’s Superman!”

Dad: “Thanks, I’ve been practicing a lot.”

"Dad," said Little Johnny, "I'm late for football practice. Would you please do my homework for me?"

Little Johnny's father said irately, "Son, it just wouldn't be right."

"That's okay," replied Little Johnny. "You could at least give it a try, couldn't you?"

Scene: With a patient in my medical exam room

Me: How old are your kids?

Patient: 44 and 39 with my wife who passed away, and 15 and 13 with my second wife.

Me: That’s quite the age difference!

Patient: Well, the older ones didn’t give me any grandkids, so I made my own.