family jokes

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.

One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.

As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, ‘The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked!

As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, ‘Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

A father put his 3-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."


Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?" He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I just had the worst day of my life." She said, "You think you had a bad day? You'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch!"

OK, I'm the only female in a house full of guys. 4 sons and a hubby. Toilet seat is never down...etc.

SOOOOoooooooooo I'm the only one who would be using Female products.....correct?

A STRANGE thing was happening at my house. Tampons were disappearing. * Insert Twilight Zone theme here *

Ok....A few months ago I went to my cupboard to get out a tampon and there was ONLY one left. I could have sworn I had just bought a box the month before. So, I go back to the store, buy a new box and forget about it.

The next month (T.O.M) I go back to the cupboard.....and VOILA....there is only ONE tampon left again. What's going on here? Gremlins??? I go to the store and buy another box, and forget about it.

WELL.....I decided to clean out my two youngest sons closet and LOW and BEHOLD....at the bottom of their closet are the wrappers, applicators and the tampons themselves.

I am starting to FREAK!!! Dear God, what are they doing with them??????

I get a hold of myself and tell myself that I am an adult and can handle this, despite the bizarre thoughts running through my mind. I'm thinking, "Do I have enough money saved up in the bank for MAJOR THERAPY?"

I go to the top of the stairs and yell for my two youngest sons to "COME HERE!!!!"

They march up the stairs and find me in their room staring into the bottom of their closet.

I said "What are you doing with THOSE? THOSE are MINE!"

My 12 year old looks like a deer caught in the headlights and is silent.

My 10 year old looks at me all innocent and says. "Well, Mom, we were playing with our G.I. Joes and stuff... and THOSE make really good SCUD missiles... What do YOU use them for?"

"NEVER MIND!! GO PLAY!!!!"